2000-11-21

Today is my birthday.

����I asked a girl at the stupid temp job who lives near me if she would take care of Cat while I'm in Masahuesos and she said yes. That is a great present. Thank you to the nice girl at the stupid temp job. I have to show her my apt at lunchtime, and then after work I rush to the stupid temp agency to pick up my check, and then home to wash some clothes and pack and sleep and get up at 430 to go to the airport. That's my birthday. Oh, and while at the stupid temp job this afternoon I get to mail letters and packets to 2 dozen people and then type up a spreadsheet for 2 dozen more.

����I feel anxious. Partially because I tend to be weird and robotic and socially inept for the first month or two at a workplace (stupid temp job) and today I have to properly express my gratitude to the nice girl who's going to watch Cat for me. And I think the odds are low that I will succeed. (or maybe it's just self-consciousness and paranoia that I feel for 2 months at a workplace and actually I'm doing fine.) I don't know.

����But that's a minor anxiousness compared to the others--Thanksgiving at home this year will include potentially difficult interaction with my long lost brother Matthew, a big serious family discussion about my dad's drinking, and also plenty of commentary on my apparent resistance to accepting a job. Beyond that I have worries about money, waning interest in my friends, and it's been weeks since I've had the concentration to write anything good.

����Ha ha ah I'm lame. About 30 people signed my 8th grade yearbook and they all said I was lame and they were right on. Right on. All the stuff above is nothing. No problem. Want to know the real trouble?

����What am I not good at?

������Calculus
������Inspiring confidence in others
������Having a mission.

����So. For having let myself turn TWENTY-SIX with nothing in the way of courage or commitment to show for it, I give myself some poorly-defined punishment that I don't even enforce (and I pack, I sleep and I get up at 430 to go to the airport).


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